Famous Funny Quotes
Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.
Dolly Parton
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
Mark Twain
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connoly
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Mark Twain
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
George Burns
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
Benjamin Franklin
Experience is a dear teacher, and only fools will learn from no other.
Benjamin Franklin
The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere."
David Frost
He would make a lovely corpse.
Charles Dickens
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
Ray Romano
My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo.
Billy Connolly
Buy land. They've stopped making it.
Mark Twain
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby
Ah...so many pedestrians, so little time...
Robin Williams | 
